26 October 2011
The real bottom?!
I have never ever weighed so much as today. 138,6 kg! I felt it, I really did. Probably that is why I didn't weigh myself for a real long time. I've had so many excuses... Film shootings, contracts, meetings, hangover, film shootings, contracts, meetings... But then today I woke up late, feeling tired, and pulled on my jeans from summer 2010 (116 kg) as all of my other clothes were still drying and.. The pants that used to fall down without a belt, were so tight around my ass and thighs, that it was uncomfortable to walk. And at 138,6 kg, "skinnytight" jeans and high leather boots. Not so much of a fancy look, I must say!
I felt miserable walking to work, though the sun was shining. Its been a long and nice, dry autumn. Rare thing around here.. I still entered the cafe on the corner of the street to buy a salmon sandwich and a raisin bun accompanied with latte chai - my breakfast during last 5-6 months, since I have quit cooking any breakfast (or any meals, for that matter!) at home.
Damn I felt ugly and tired!
This is the worst thing. All of the symptoms and everything has boosted up these days. Absolutely nothing feels good about me anymore. My hirutsism has gone even wilder, having hair growing on my toes, feet, shoulders, back, not even mentioning the face! When I was living down South of Europe, all of the symptoms seemed to be getting better and for the past year and some months that Ive been back, I have simply gained weight and regained all of my symptoms to be at their fullest. I have trouble sleeping: can not fall asleep before 3-4 AM and should be up by 9 AM, but most of the days I only get to the office by 11 or even later. Can not really say I am a good boss, huh? During the day I don't feel like eating, everything makes me noxious. And by the time I finish, I'm so hungry and have smoked so many cigs, that I hurry to the nearby sushi, chinese or pizza place to GET FOOD. I hurry home, ignore phone calls from friends, inviting to go to cinema, to get a drink, to meet up. I open up my laptop, watch some TV-series or read a book, wishing I would fall asleep. But then again its 4AM and I have to wake up soon.
I've been having pains in my chest area. In beginning of June they were so bad, I ended up going to emergency, thinking I was having a heart attack. The pain was unbearable. I was so fucked up scared, I thought I was going to die. Good it was just a mild infection of a nerve in the heart area, but.. It did give me a DAMN good scare!
It has also become hard to walk. The smoking as it is has made me get out of breath, getting me sweaty fast. But now it has also literally started to hurt to walk - my legs get tired.
What else? Huh. Well, my hair has also started to fall out during the last year. I thought it was because of all the stress: working at the production studio during day, shooting a feature on the side. All of the lack of sleep. But I am pretty sure it is also coming from my PCOS, cause it hasn't stopped with the end of the shooting periods. I go to the bathroom in the morning and notice the amounts of my hair in the shower. It makes me pissed off.
Periods? Haven't had those since.. I cant even remember anymore!
To sum it up, which are my main symptoms of PCOS:
- cysts on ovaries
- no periods
- mildly bad skin
- serious excess body and facial hair
- excess weight around the waistline
- mood swings
- hot flashes
- acanthosis nigricans (dark skin)
- sleep disorders
- 138,6 kg (at height 173 cm), normal would be between 55-73 kg
- BMI about 47, which goes under Obese Class III, normal would range from 18,5-24,9
I mean. For sure I have no idea why I have PCOS and I have been sad, pissed off, angry, emotionless.. And many other things since I was 13 (finally diagnosed at 18), but then again, the fact that I am at such high weight today and in such bad health conditions for a such a young person - there is noone else to blame but myself!
I can say I am sorry, I did not get help from any doctors before, that I was several times not diagnozed, then put on wrong medicine and so on and so forth, and mainly, cause I have felt so very alone amongst this all. In my home country there are no support groups for PCOS, no articles in women magazines and nearly no discussions on forums either. Lets be honest. Currently there are 2 (!) doctors in this country, who are considered to KNOW about PCOS well.
Internet has helped me a lot. Ordering books online (Dr. Jennie Brand-Millers, Dr. Nadir R. Farids and Dr. Kate Marshs "The Low GI Guide to Living Well with PCOS", Nadir R. Farids and Norene Gilletzs "The PCOS Diet Cookbook" and Lucy Beales and Joan Clark-Warners "GI Cookbook"), of which all, especially Dr. Jennie Brand-Millers book has a very specific overview of the disease, symptoms, cures, alternative cures, lifestyle change importance etc in them. I NEEDED THIS SO BAD!
And then again the UK and US forums, the Soul Cysters forum, various magazines, Facebook support pages.. I finally feel, I am not in it alone! Cause lets be honest, my family or friends STILL dont get what PCOS is all about;)
So. As there is no way to get any worse.. Ok, I can go up to 200, 300, .... zillion kilos, but already now, I am struggling living the life I used to live before, so.. I do not see any other way than to go through this whatever it takes. Unless I dont want to die of a heart failure!
So Ive decided to go on a 2-4 week holiday from end of November, away from my "regular" surrounding, but I need to start NOW. And here is my little plan of what Im going to be doing:
Physical for October 26 - November 26, 2011:
- morning exercise starting from 15 min and building it up to 30 min by end of November; tai chi combined with classic morning exercises, that my body can take at the moment
- going swimming to the pool 2-3 times a week, out of that once a week wateraerobics
- always trying to choose walking instead of car, public transport or other - stop using taxi!
Go back to low GI diet - it was working VERY WELL for me! Cutting much less wheat, rice etc for the moment, to get a good kick off. There are several nice recipes for breakfasts on the Brand-Millers book. Eggs, eggs, eggs.
Water consumption must go back up to 2-3 liters per day, which was absolutely normal when living in Portugal, back here I've lost my concentration on that. I barely drink water!
I'm also going back on no-chemical-sweets or chemical-foods side now, also trying to consume only "good" agriculture veggies, fruits, meat etc. Even my washing liquid has turned to be BIO or simply doing it with slight mix of soda and lemon.
I've ordered few books about low GI eating and PCOS and eating in general during last year. Really waiting for them to educate myself about these questions more. I've started taking small tips about low GI eating to my every day eating, but I definitely still need to know more about it.
I also want to start avoiding any chemicals or processed foods in my life and make it more stronger my lifestyle. I have been "green" since many years, but I feel I need to extend it to stronger way. Meaning cutting out things that could be influencing my hormones and my body. That includes finding alternatives to both cosmetics and home chemicals.
This simply feels to be right to me, personally.
Also I want to investigate more about natural remedies: Chinese medicine and Chinese physical exercises, cinnamon, D-vitamin, folic acid, agnucaston, peppermint. All of these have been mentioned to have positive force on PCOS and I want to first investigate it bit more and then jump into it.
Also, I havent been on Metformin for very long time, so tomorrow Im going to start taking 500 mmg Metformine split to two per day.
And within 2011, I must quit smoking. I MUST.
Wish me luck. This all seems so easy in writing. But to keep to this tomorrow morning!;)
at 3:09 AM